Making Room for Baby

  I sat in a heap covered in spit up and baby drool surrounded by bottles and laundry that all needed to be washed, not to mention myself (how many days had it been since I had had a shower long enough to wash my hair?)

  Overwhelmed by sheer exhaustion, the tears began to come. I was new at this mom thing and as the instant, adoptive mother of a 9-month old; I was getting a crash course.  Gazing down at this sweet, toothless little baby girl, a strange mix of emotions welled up inside of me…

 –love that I never knew I was capable of,

              -wonder at how this little being could go soooo long without sleeping,

                        -fear at the thought that I might make a mistake that would ruin her.

  There had been years of praying, hoping, and fighting to get to this moment when at last we finally had become parents.  We had embraced God’s plan for us to adopt. We considered it a privilege to have the opportunity to rescue a child that might otherwise have not made it.  And so we had worked really hard, wading through endless amounts of paperwork, interviews, scrimping and saving, and waiting month after month, all with an end purpose in mind-to save a baby’s life.

  But sitting there on that day; the reality of the responsibility of that battle victory was now setting in. I had fought to save the life of this precious baby and now it was my responsibility to give her a life – to nourish her, train her, to provide for her.

As I watched and read about the March for Life this year, I’ve heard many share much about how this year there is a hope that we haven’t had for a long time. There have been years of fighting and praying, and waiting all with an end purpose in mind- to save the lives of millions of babies who would not otherwise live.

 I myself, share in that hope. Not only as a Christian, but as a parent of children who very well could have been one of those statistics, these issues run deep.

But I also pray that, we as the body of Christ, are prepared for the responsibility that will come after.  

Are we preparing to be life-givers and not just life-savers?

Are we making room in our lives to nourish, train, and provide for unwed mother’s and unwanted babies who will make their way to our doorstep needing somewhere to go?

Are we linking arms with our local crisis pregnancy centers ensuring them that as they open their door, we will be there to support them?

  This week that toothless, little, baby girl turned 14 years old and I am watching a transformation take place before my eyes as this baby grows into a young lady who loves the Lord. 

And I want to go back to that moment.

That moment when it all seemed so overwhelming and have a conversation with that newbie mom.

 If I could, I would tell her that she was right about some things…

       this is a hard job sometimes…

                                    it would be tiring, messy, and frustrating, full of mistakes,

                                                     and she would soon discover that she could not do it on her own.

But there would also be moments of

                                            joy and amazement

                                                             and miracles

                                                                     and there would be grace over her weaknesses,                

               and she would know that she was never meant to do this alone…and she never was.

  I pray that as we begin to enter this new season of hope, we will not become overwhelmed …but we would make room in our lives to be life-givers to embrace even the messy, frustrating moments of that calling. That as we rely on The Life-Giver’s strength, we would experience the joy and amazement as we watch transformations take place before our eyes.

“A thief comes only to steal and to kill and to destroy. I have come so that they may have life and have it in abundance.” John 10:10

Pin It

Tweet

Too Farsighted to See What's Right in Front of You

“You’re far sighted but your lack of nearsightedness 

 is starting to affect your far vision.”

  I was sitting in my eye doctor appointment enduring an exam that was way overdue.  I don’t like taking time out of the day for things like doctor visits and so I had put this appointment off until my life was being so greatly affected by my vision that I had to stop and have an exam.  I mean when you miss your coffee cup while pouring in the creamer …things get serious. I had reached that point.   

Her words were eye opening, pun intended.  

                    

                    far·sight·ed ˈfärˌsīdəd,färˈsīdəd/adj

                   -unable to see things clearly, especially if they are relatively close to the eyes

                   -seeing or able to see for a great distance.

                   -having imagination or foresight.

I have a goal oriented personality …I like to stay focused on what’s ahead.  It’s not a bad quality. 

Far sight or foresight gives us purpose.

But in my effort to focus on what’s ahead, I sometime miss what’s right under my nose.  

And what’s happening near me right now is important too.  

My lack of near sight or insight can actually affect my foresight. 

Why?

 

Because, while foresight gives us purpose, insight gives us understanding.  

When we have no insight it can affect the way we view what's ahead.

Foresight gives us the dream, insight gives us the guidance to get there. 

Psalms 119:18

Open my eyes to see the wonderful truths in your instructions. 

When we disregard understanding it affects our purpose, because we miss out on the preparational wisdom gleaned from those little God-given vision exams along the way.

That's why Paul prayed for the Church at Ephasus to have understanding.

Ephesians 1:18

I pray that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened (given understanding), so that you will know what is the hope (expectation) of His calling, what are the riches (abundance) of the glory (view) of His inheritance (given for you to possess) in the saints...

Can I just take it a step further...

When we disregard understanding it affects people.

Maybe you been the hit-and-run victim of someone's attempt to race toward their purpose while being run over in the process.  

It hurts. 

Sometimes their vision has become so impaired that they don't even recognize that they've run over you. 

That hurts more.

As we place our toes at starting line of 2017, everyone seems focused on what's ahead for the year. We are full of goals, resolutions,dreams and visions for the future.  But in order to get there, let us not lose sight of what is right in front of our face.  

This moment needs to be seen. 

In 2017 I want to move ahead with full vision.

Lord, help us not to be so busily focused on what’s ahead, that we miss life’s little exams. The Now-Testings that have been placed in our path to help us understand the blurry areas of our heart, the things that need correcting in order to keep us from stumbling as we walk towards our future purpose.

Pin It

Tweet

Deeper Waters

I sit and watch as she gracefully strokes her way down the pool and back. There’s a lot going on in that pool.  The Y pool is a busy place in the afternoon, but she is not aware of it.  She is focused on her form and her breathing, determined eyes hidden behind her prescription goggles. 

And as I watch her I sit amazed.  

Not in her ability (even though I am a proud Mama and if you ask me she pretty good)

But that’s not it.

There’s something deeper that moves me.  When I see her out there treading through the deep water, gently, He reminds me.

This is what trust looks like.

And if you knew her like I do you would understand why.

The first time we put her in the water for a bath, her body went stiff as a board. 

My heart just hurt for her.  What was the fear? Was it the unknown or the known?

We had been united with our beautiful little girl less than 24 hours and the realization that as an adoptive mom I had so much to learn about loving and caring for a child who really didn’t know me yet was becoming very clear. I thought we had been bonding pretty well.  She had attached herself to me more than the adoption counselors said to expect and she had refused to even sleep anywhere but on my chest that night. She was definitely recognizing me as her Mama but still she didn’t know if she could trust me completely yet-not when she was in the water. 

Three days of gentle reassurance in the water and it was amazing what a transformation had taken place in her.  We felt like she was comfortable enough with us to try out the pool. So I dressed her in a little turquoise swimsuit covered in sparkles (still her favorite color to this day).  She reached down with her little hand and touched her suit, then looked up at me with the biggest toothless grin of approval.  In no time she was splashing around the pool with her daddy. There was no trace of that scared, stiff-bodied little baby from just days before.  Time with us had built trust (and sparkles always help a girl out a little too!)

As time went on Claire grew to love the water even more.  In fact she learned to swim at five and it became nearly impossible to get her out of the water.  This past year she began swimming in the Porpoise Club at the local Y.  She’s learning strokes now and getting stronger and faster in the water.  She swims twice a week for about two hours. She never wants to leave when class is over. She swims until her arms are so sore that she can hardly move the next day because she loves it…because she’s trusted enough to learn how to be in the water and sitting on the side just isn’t that fun anymore.

“Lord, is it You?” Peter asked. “If it is, tell me to come to you on the water.”
“Come,” Jesus said.
So Peter got out of the boat. He walked on the water toward Jesus. - Matthew 14:28-29

I am reminded of Peter as he exercised his trust (little as it was) in the midst of the storm around him and walked on the water if only but for a moment.  I can’t imagine that life was ever the same for him after that.  Because once you’ve walked on water, walking along the shore just isn’t the same.  Once you’ve experienced what happens when you fully place your trust on Him, there’s really no going back to the shallow waters of the shore.  There’s only deeper waters to walk…

Now that Ed’s surgery is over and he is healthy, people often ask us if life has returned to normal and I know what they mean so I agree, but I really don’t want life to ever be the same as it was before.  I have learned to trust a little more...to walk through a storm in some pretty deep waters... to go back to the walking on the shore holds no appeal to me…there’s only deeper waters to walk.

“Spirit lead me where my trust is without border, 

Let me walk upon the water wherever you would call me.

Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander 

And my faith will be made stronger in the presence of my Savior.” 

Oceans – Hillsong

Pin It

Tweet

Part 8: The Gift That Changes Everything

Two days after surgery

The gift of life.

Can you think of a more precious gift?

As we enter this Christmas season, that fact just keeps resonating within me.

The gift of life changes everything.

 Today marks one year since the transplant.  Those days right after surgery have now begun to run together in my mind, but as we enter the holiday season, I have found myself at times completely overwhelmed with thankfulness because everything has changed this Christmas at our house. 

                                                      

Welcoming Nana home

My mom was released from the hospital on December 5^{th (} 48 hours 

after surgery).  Most people don’t know or realize that the following day December 6^th was her birthday. She spent it recovering from giving the gift of life to my husband. 

And because of that our life has been changed.

  We ‘got our Christmas on’ early around here this year and most of my Christmas shopping is done. The gifts are wrapped and waiting to be received mostly by two little girls who simply cannot resist inspecting them each night to try to guess what each package holds for them. 

  As I watch them pick each one up, I know what it contains for them. I have chosen it, and bought it with them in mind.  I know it’s something that will bring them joy, but I wonder about some of the gifts waiting for them. 

Will they understand what it is?   

Will they want it? 

Will they receive it? 

Will they be disappointed?

 A gift doesn’t really serve it’s purpose unless it’s received. 

Going Home!

  As my mom recovered, we waited to see how her gift would be received.  One week later we got our answer. It seems, Ed’s body received the kidney so well that he was released from the hospital earlier than expected. I can still remember the surprised look on some of the nurses faces as they saw him being wheeled out of the hospital knowing that he was only one week out from surgery.

  They sent us home with meds that he was supposed to take for the rest of his life.  Mostly anti rejection meds and other pills that treat the side effects caused by taking those.  We were told before surgery to expect at least 60 pills a day, but it would vary depending on how well his body received the new kidney.  Most of the after surgery recovery has to do with getting all these meds regulated in the right combination and dosage.   

We came home with a pill box of 26 pills a day.  

 From what I understand that is pretty much unheard of, but he was receiving the kidney so well that they felt safe with that number.  Today he has graduated down to 11 pills a day- which includes only one anti rejection pill. The doctors that treat him have never had a transplant patient that takes this little medication. 

Mom’s gift has been received well.

  When Jesus came to earth as a baby, He came to an earth that he had created. He came to a people that existed because he had created them.  

He came to bring them the gift of life.  

 A gift that he had chosen and bought with them in mind.  A gift that would bring us joy. But it is up to us whether or not we receive this gift. 

Do we really understand what receiving this gift of life means?  

Do we even want it?   

Have you ever picked up this gift and inspected it wondering what it would mean to you only to lay it back down again unopened? 

Maybe this Christmas season it’s time to pick it back up again.   

  Go ahead... rip back that paper a little bit....take a peek at what’s inside.

I promise you won’t be disappointed....

                      because when you receive a gift of life it changes everything.

"Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and cometh down from the Father of lights, with whom is no variableness, neither shadow of turning." James 1:17

^"The true light, which enlightens everyone, was coming into the world.
He was in the world, and the world was made through him, yet the world did not know him. He came to his own, and his own people did not receive him.
But to all who did receive him, who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God" John 1:9-12

Christmas 2012

"Thanks be unto God for his unspeakable gift" II Cor. 9:15

Pin It

Tweet

PART 7 - MONSTERS IN THE CLOSET

  It was about ten o’clock when I settled in for the night. After a long day, I was relieved that my husband and my mom were doing well and hopeful that this journey would soon be over.  I had not seen my girls all day. My sister-in-law had taken them to the “jumpy place” for the day (Thanks Aunt Da!!).  I was just getting ready to tuck them in and get some sweet little hugs and kisses when the hospital called.  

  It was a nurse from the ICU letting me know that there were some concerns with Ed. Although he was doing well, the kidney was not “producing” anything.  This couldn’t go on very long before they would need to take some action. 

  It was a kick in the gut when I least expected it.

Just when I finally felt like I could breathe again. 

I struggled to hold onto my peace. Father please help us…

  

  I hung up the phone, pushed down the concerns and went in to kiss my girls good night.  The room was dark, but I could see that Claire was already asleep. Ella was not.  I leaned in and noticed a worried look on her face.

  

 Sometimes a struggle with faith has less to do with feeling fears and more to do with the fears you are afraid to feel and deal with.  The ones you can’t even speak out loud.  The ones you keep locked up way down deep only to have them creep up in weak moments.

I had been keeping three locked way down deep. 

     I was afraid of losing my best friend. 

         I was afraid of not being able to support our girls alone.  

                But my biggest one was that our girls would lose their Daddy.

 It is not the first time they have lost a father. 

  Being adopted, they have already experienced this loss once in their young little lives. It is a thought that most people don’t usually consider when they think about adoption, but as an adoptive parent it is never far from my mind.    

  The first time I held Claire was one of the happiest moments of my life, but it was also mixed with the sense of overwhelming loss that she had already been through that had led to her being held in my arms. I remember the day we sat on the plane ready to leave her hometown. She was in a cute little red checked dress that I had bought for her and new red shoes that the orphanage had given her. I looked out the window and tried to blink back the tears realizing that as the plane took off, every tie she had with her birth family, her town, and her country would be gone.  

It is a loss every adoptee faces. 

I couldn’t bear the thought that being adopted into our family might lead them to another loss like that.  And so, I kept this fear pushed way down like a monster locked in a closet.

And that night, as I looked at Ella’s face, somehow I knew she had a monster too. 

“Ella, are you okay?”

“No Mommy, I’m not”  

“What’s wrong?”

“I’m afraid.”

“Of what?”

“My Daddy is sick. I’m afraid he’s gonna die and I won’t have a daddy anymore.”

She had said it.  

What I couldn’t even acknowledge.

That big, scary monster had just jumped out of the closet.

I couldn’t breathe.  Jesus help me…

And then out of the corner of my eye, I saw it.  I had packed it in the suitcase at the last minute. It was a new Bible we had been using with the girls. It had scriptures concerning different issues they might face marked.

Desperately, I grabbed it like it was my only hope at defeating this “monster”…

                 like it was my…

                                       sword.

  Together we read every scripture marked on fear and healing and trusting God. At the end of each verse, her face would light up with remarks like “I’m feeling better already” and “ I believe that’s true!” and “I know God will do that for my Daddy!” getting more and more excited with each verse until by the end she was jumping up and down on the bed.

I sat there in awe of what I was seeing-
                                       this amazing transformation from sadness to joy.

It was a monster-busting joy.

It was childlike faith.

I wanted it. I determined to walk in it.  Forgive me Lord…help my unbelief…

She took my hand to pray as we usually did when we finished reading, but this time she wanted to do it by herself. 

And then I sat and listened to my 6 year-old touch heaven. 
Yielding her sword, she spoke the Word that she had just read over her Daddy, with faith believing, that it was done.   
Then, she kissed me goodnight and went to sleep. 

No more monster.

^"Out of the mouth of babes and infants, you have established strength because of your foes, to still the enemy and the avenger." Psalm 8:2 (ESV)

  I was awakened the next morning by the phone. It was the nurse calling to inform me that somewhere in the night, an adjustment was made and the kidney was now “producing”.  Producing so much that Ed was well enough to move to a regular room but unable to because it required a full-time ICU nurse just to handle the “production”! 

No more monster.

Pin It

Tweet

PART 6: LESSONS LEARNED IN THE WAITING ROOM

On December 3^rd, I sat in the waiting room at Duke Hospital. The transplant surgery had started early that morning and we were awaiting news of how things were going.  I knew we would hear news about my mom first and then it would be awhile before we knew about Ed. We had been given a vibrating pager, as if we were waiting for a table at a restaurant.  We were told when the pager lit up and vibrated; we were to go to the desk for the medical staff’s update. Until then we were just to sit and wait.

   

Worth the Wait!

Waiting has never been one of my finest abilities.  Some people seem to be really good at it.  My husband is one of them. I remember when we were adopting each of our girls.  The wait was long (fifteen months for Claire and two years for Ella).  Ed was perfectly content to look forward to the day and let things just unfold as they should.

 I was a wreck.

I had an almost constant twitch in my eye and indigestion. I couldn’t sleep or eat. 

The wait was excruciating for me. There were a lot of unknowns but I knew in the end we would have a child no matter how long it took to get there or what it might be like when we did.  The wait was more than worth it.

But this wait was different.

The waiting room was filled with people.  I am an avid people watcher.  As I sat there, I couldn’t help but notice the faces of so many and wonder what there stories were and who they were waiting for.  I remember one lady in particular whose husband was in surgery as well. She had gotten word that things weren’t going well. 

There is nothing like the mixture of grief, worry, fear, hopefulness, and prayers that are found in a hospital waiting room.

It is almost palatable.

People clinging to their pager willing it to vibrate …..

                                                                   but afraid of what they might hear when it does.

It’s in the waiting that faith is really put to the test.     

And as I sat there…

I have never been so thankful for friends and family who sat with us for hours so we wouldn’t wait alone.

I have never been so thankful for the prayers of the saint who were covering us that day.

I have never been so thankful for a peace that passes all understanding and guards my heart and mind in Him.

           

If there is one thing I have learned in the waiting rooms of life, is that waiting is all about what we allow our minds to do. In the waiting, we tend to want to fix our minds on what we are waiting for –good or bad. Most of the time when we do that it only produces things like worry, anxiety, discontentment, fear... But the key is to fix our minds the One who sits right beside us in the waiting room.  He is who keeps us at peace.

 ³ You will keep in perfect peace all who trust in you, all whose thoughts are fixed on you! Isaiah 26:3 (NLT)

Knowing that He is there…

Makes me thankful that I am never waiting alone

Makes me thankful that he has covered this day in His blood

Makes me thankful that as I set my mind on Him and His Words my mind I wait in perfect peace…even as I watch my own pager light up and vibrate.

At the beeper alert, I think my body jumped up and was half way to front desk before my mind had a chance to catch up, my dad following closely behind me.  Mom was out of surgery and doing well. We were able to see her and she was awake and talking – her first words being “How’s Ed?” in her usual unselfish manner.  Aside from some normal swelling she looked well. 

Ed would follow a few hours later.  There were some difficulties finding a place for the new kidney because of his existing kidneys being so large but they eventually found a way and the new kidney (we call her “Agnes”) began to function immediately.  He was placed in ICU which was normal procedure but he was awake and talking coherently …well, as coherently as possible on a morphine drip! 

 The next 24 hours would be crucial for both of their recoveries, so my dad and I were sent home to let them get some rest and get a little rest ourselves…peace had guarded me through that day but holding on to it through that first night would prove to be difficult.

“Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken nor my covenant of peace be removed," says the LORD, who has compassion on you.”

Isaiah 54:10

 “[If you preserve sound judgment & discernment]...You can go to bed without fear; you will lie down and sleep soundly. You need not be afraid of sudden disaster or the destruction that comes upon the wicked, for the Lord is your security. He will keep your foot from being caught in a trap.” Proverbs 3:24 - 26

Pin It

Tweet

PART 5 - FINDING GOD IN THE DETAILS

Mongolian Wedding Tapestry

  Sometimes God is in the details.  That’s a saying I’ve heard all my life. Details are important.  I have a beautiful tapestry I bought on a mission’s trip in Mongolia. The tapestry itself, as a whole, is pretty, but not really something I would have bought for my home.  What sold me were the details.  It’s an antique tapestry traditionally made for a newly wed couple.  Each stitch in this 4 foot by 6 foot work of art has been hand stitched, the colors carefully chosen. The intricate design planned with a specific meaning. I was captivated by the purpose behind those amazing details and I had to have one.  It’s a treasure that I don’t plan on parting with.  

 When you or someone you love needs healing and healing doesn’t come right away, it’s easy to begin to think maybe God has forgotten you.  When we first started on this journey, we just believed for a miracle healing to take place in Ed’s body.  That was it.  I hoped every time he had a doctor’s appointment that they would just suddenly be unable to find anything wrong - miraculously healed- overnight. 

That’s what I wanted. 

 It seemed like the best way, to me. for God to be glorified in this situation.  But also, if I’m honest, maybe I thought it was the easiest way to get through this quickly without it interrupting or changing our lives in any significant way.  Maybe it would have lifted our faith a little, but we really wouldn’t have learned anything more than we already knew about God - we already knew he was a miracle healing God.  We’ve seen Him do it countless times.

  We began to realize that God was weaving our tapestry in different way than we would have chosen.  We needed Him to hand stitch the details of our life with a purpose that only He could create —miraculously.

  Now that we were moving towards transplant, one BIG detail was how we would manage to keep pastoring our church and give Ed time to recover.  We were in a good season at our church after coming through a difficult one.  God was doing some amazing things, but the ministry required all of both of us at that time.  It was an exciting time but an exhausting time as well and coupled with Ed’s illness only made it more exhausting for him.  He was tired.  We both were. And taking a break for surgery and recovery just didn’t seem possible. 

  It was in the middle of this detail dilemma that we got another phone call. The call came from a church on the Outer Banks of North Carolina – my hometown, They asked us to pray about and consider moving there where Ed would become the Family Life pastor.  We had received calls like this before. Actually during the difficult season I mentioned earlier, we had received three. We said no to all of them because we did not feel God was releasing us at that time.

            But this one was different…..

                                               and that caught us by surprise,

   

  As we prayed about it, we realized that God was in this and He was working out this detail in a way that only He could, This was an opportunity to do all the things we love about ministry without some of the administrative duties that we don’t love!  It was a chance to live a slower paced “beach life”.  More importantly we saw the need for this ministry and we felt God burdening our hearts to do it. 

We said yes.

Moving Day

  In the summer of 2012, we said goodbye to our church family. We loaded the moving truck and made the fifteen hour drive to our new home at The Ark Int’l Church in Nags Head, North Carolina,  We settled into a cute little beach cottage that the church had lovingly prepared for us.   

Sitting here,  over a year later, I am amazed at all the details God put into place for us. 

    - What church would actually hire a new staff member who was sick and   

       needed to take a break immediately after getting here? Yet this church 

       family welcomed us, loved us, and taken care of us through the most 

       difficult time we’ve ever faced. 

    - He placed us near my family where we could have their support.  My mom 

      and dad actually only live a few blocks away from us. My brother and his 

      family decided to move home too and their jobs were provided so quickly 

      that they actually moved before we did. For the first time in 20 years, we 

      all live near each other and it’s been so comforting to have them close by.

  

    - He placed us near Duke Hospital which is rated third in the nation for 

      kidney disease treatments.  They have been amazing and provided Ed 

      with exceptional medical care.

 God was weaving our tapestry with intricate details and with each new detail came a newer stronger level of faith. In a few months time this would all be finished and we could hang it up, see God’s handiwork, and return to our normal life or so I thought…

Pin It

Tweet