PART 2 - THE BEST LAID PLANS....

  We chose in the beginning not to share much about Ed’s illness with many people and we never shared all of the details of what we had been told to expect as the disease progressed because we needed to live as normally as possible for our church and for our family.  We told our church family the name of the disease and that a transplant would eventually be needed but that we were believing for healing.  In most instances, a PKD patient in renal failure will need to stop working at a certain point. Their energy levels just won’t hold up and stress only multiplies the symptoms.  As a pastor, of a small congregation, we didn’t have a staff to cover all of the responsibilities he carried.  Ed was determined to keep up.  Many nights he would come home and go straight to bed or fall asleep in his chair. Most of the time, when he was at home, he was asleep and he invested his waking hours into his responsibilities at church.  We knew that we couldn’t live this way forever, but we were still praying and believing for God to miraculously heal Ed and take this disease away.

That was our plan, we were waiting on God.

Plans make us feel safe.  We were created according to God’s plan.  Plans are good.  Plans allow us to live to our full potential and get more accomplished.  I like plans.  The problem is that I like to be the planner. It’s a problem that has plagued we humans from the get go. In the Garden, there was a plan in place. God’s plan for Adam and Eve gave them everything they needed to live to their full potential.   

    There were clear boundaries.... 

               They knew who they were in Him. 

               They knew they belonged to Him. 

                       And they knew what their part in the plan was.   

The problem came when Eve forgot all this and decided to make a plan of her own.  Eve made her own plans when the enemy tempted her to doubt the goodness of God’s plans for her.

 

  Sometime when life suddenly seems to spin out of control, it’s tempting to forget all about the good plans the Planner has already laid out for us. The boundaries that were once so clear can become so blurred when we forget who we are in Him, who we belong to, and what our part in His plan is. 

  When your spouse or someone you love is sick.  You feel the need to be strong for them. It’s not something you think about. You just do it.  You pull double duty when you need to and do everything you can to ease their burden so they can focus on getting well.   

     You stay strong for them

                            –for your kids

                                   – for the people who are depending on you    

But taking on this role can lead to some pretty blurry boundary lines if you’re not careful.   

   As we began to learn more about PKD, we began to discover some ways that we could try to keep Ed off dialysis and prolong the need for transplant for a period of time.  One way was a very difficult balancing act of a diet that limited certain foods completely while including some in small increments never to be combined with some others. To say it was complicated was an understatement and to a busy mom and pastor’s wife who thought she had climbed Mt. Everest by just getting a homemade dinner on the table that everyone would eat, it was overwhelming.  Knowing that what I gave my husband to eat could literally kill him (as if my cooking couldn’t before all this!) was a lot of pressure and I have never worked well under pressure.   

So to avoid feeling pressured, I controlled ....

                              –I became the Food Nazi. 

 My ideas of what he should be eating were my offering of forbidden fruit, so to speak, MY plan to make him well. 

   Sounds really unspiritual, and not just a little bit crazy to read these admitted “tactics”  as I type them here, but I was in survival mode – I had a good life, a good plan, and I needed to do everything I could to keep it in place.  In the end, none of my own tactics worked not only that, they led to frustration, more anxiety, and stress.  Eventually it became clear that God had his own plan in mind …and the best laid plans happen when we lay ours down and embrace His.

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PART 1 –LIFE INTERRUPTED

 

Our Family the year Ed was diagnosed with PKD

  Panic.  It’s the first emotion I remember feeling that day as I sat in the clinic and listened to medical professionals tell us about our “new life”.  I’d never experienced a panic attack before but that day I was sure I was coming close to one.  My first instinct was to run, so as I consciously tried to slow my breathing and steady my rapidly beating heart. I gripped the seat white-knuckled as if I were about to experience the biggest roller coaster ride of my life…because I was….

  It had only been a few weeks since we had heard the diagnosis. After a seemingly routine round of tests, our doctor, who attended our church, had instructed Ed following a Wednesday night service to go straight to the ER.  His kidney function was dangerously low and more tests were needed. The ER was the best place to get those done quickly.  I remember him distinctly instructing Ed not to go home and wait until morning because he could go into renal failure while he was sleeping, Those words would later haunt me more than one night as I laid awake checking his breathing to make sure he was alright.  But for now the shock of it all made it seem so surreal.  We were in a good place in our lives.  After 10 years as children’s pastors, we had planted and pastored a healthy growing church for the last 9 years.  After struggling with infertility, we had started a family and now had two little girls. We were busy, and life was crazy at times, but we were content and enjoying life.  In the hospital, Ed was assigned several specialist who ran more tests and concluded that he had a disease called Polycystic Kidney Disease (PKD)  a disease in which cysts form on the kidneys.  It seems that the disease affects different people at varying levels and for Ed, it was more serious.  The cysts had multiplied to the degree that there was very little kidney mass left and the kidneys, filled with cysts, now weighed in at about 20lbs.  After a few days, they sent him home assigned to a nephrologist.  We went right back to life as usual those few weeks after and it all seemed like a temporary interruption,

  But in that moment, at the clinic, reality was quickly setting in. As I sat there, I scanned the room surrounded by people who seemed way sicker than my husband. It was evident that we were the newbies in this new club. There was a sweet older woman; her skin was yellowed with illness.  She was the mother of seven grown children, none of which were a match for her kidney.  There was a middle aged man who had been through transplant only to have complications that almost killed him. He was now on dialysis awaiting a new kidney from an unknown donor since he had no family.  There was a young father in dialysis as well struggling to keep working to provide for his young family…the pain, the sadness, and the worry in that room was palatable.  I sat feeling helpless.  These were the kind of people, I had prayed with, believed God for healing for, visited in the hospital. I had seen God heal and do absolute miracles in people just like these…I knew God could instantly heal my husband and yet, as I sat there, I found myself pleading desperately with God because I realized my biggest fear was that maybe He wouldn’t.

“For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” declares the Lord.  “As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.” Isaiah 55:8-9

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Who Do You Say That I Am?

 ¹⁵ He pressed them, "And how about you? Who do you say I am?" ¹⁶ Simon Peter said, "You're the Christ, the Messiah, the Son of the living God."  ¹⁷ Jesus came back, "God bless you, Simon, son of Jonah! You didn't get that answer out of  books or from teachers. My Father in heaven, God himself, let you in on this secret of who I really am. ¹⁸ And now I'm going to tell you who you are, really are…. Matthew 16:15-18 (MSG)

  God moments are not always those warm, fuzzy times when life comes full circle and you suddenly realize that God had your back the whole time.  Sometimes God moments come in the form of a big question mark.  A question you always thought you knew the answer to…..a question that shakes you to the core of all you thought you knew… A question that leads you on a journey…a journey of faith. 

    Faith that stretched more than you’ve ever knew it could.

    Faith that reveals a God who is who you’ve said He was …

                                       but bigger than you’ve ever really known Him to be. 

     Faith that shows you who you are, really are.

The last three years have been one such journey. 

Oh, there have been plenty of warm, fuzzy moments but there have also been question marks

–BIG ones. 

The answers- have sometimes come through pain and tears and frustration.

But always, confronting me with the raw, honest truth that reveals itself when what my mouth speaks and what my heart fears collide.     

            When suddenly who I say that He is,

                                   Who I think that I am, and

                                                 What I thought faith was

                                                                     is “called on the carpet”. 

  The following posts are a testimony of the last few years of our lives as my husband, Ed, battled a kidney disease (PKD) that eventually led to a kidney transplant, it’s a story of amazing miracles, and healing, but more than that, it’s a story of our journey of faith….

                                       PART 1 (Excerpt)

 

  Panic.  It’s the first emotion I remember feeling that day as I sat in the clinic and listened to medical professionals tell us about our “new life”.  I’d never experienced a panic attack before but that day I was sure I was coming close to one.  My first instinct was to run, so as I consciously tried to slow my breathing and steady my rapidly beating heart I gripped the seat white-knuckled as if I were about to experience the biggest roller coaster ride of my life…because I was….

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The Land of What If

She carried it because she couldn’t find a place to lay it down. 

It was heavy. This burden of “If” that she carried.  She had acquired it on her journey at the fork in the road. 

Had she chosen the wrong path? 

No, she was sure this was the path that was lit by the Lamp for her feet, but it had led her through a land that was much rockier than she thought it would be.

  The travel was slow and in her weariness, she had encountered this place-The Land of What If.  She knew she shouldn’t linger there, but some had said there would be things there that would prepare her for the road ahead, and so it seemed a sensible place to explore.

But now she knew.

  The Land of What If had nothing for her to carry with her but fear. And now this fearful ‘If’ clung to her like a heavy yoke that made it much harder to travel the path ahead.  She struggled to rid herself of it.  She longed to just lay it down, but there was nowhere to place it.

  There were companions along the way, traveling the same path.  She was relieved; maybe they would come beside her and help her carry her burden of ‘If’.  But they scoffed at the heaviness that weighed on her.  They carried them too and their backs were bent from doing it so long, but they refused to acknowledge the weight of their ‘If’. They didn’t believe in them –“No Ifs, Ands, or Buts” they had said. “We will not speak of it and it will not be.” But her ‘If’ was real and although they may not admit it, so was theirs.  

  So she traveled on finding no comfort there.  It bothered her. No matter what she did, it was always there keeping her up at night, slowing her down in her journey, making the road seem more torturous and scary than before.

 She was ready to give up.

 She just couldn’t go any further. As she began to give into the weight ,she looked down for a place to lay. That’s when she saw them, His pierced feet clothed in dusty sandals – the same dust that covered her on this path. 

Had He been walking this path with her as well? 

She had not seen Him, even though He said He would always be there.  She had felt alone on this path and so she thought she was.  But there He was.

 “Keep going’ He said.

“ I cannot, my burden is to heavy and I am afraid.”

“ Do not fear, I am with you always”

 She explained to Him that her ‘If’ was real and heavy and it made her very afraid to go on.

“ I know the plans I have for you” He said.  “They are plans that will prosper you, they will give you a hope and a future” He said “ Lay your burdens at my feet, I care for you, and I will carry them for you.” 

 She dropped them right there at His feet and in a heap of exhaustion she fell to her knees. Her strength was gone.  He placed His hand on her and said “You can do this because I will strengthen you with My strength, which is perfected in your weakness.”

 He took her hand and guided her along the rocky places. 

She could still see the ‘If’. It was there but somehow it seemed smaller as He covered it in His hands.  It seemed less scary to know and recognize that it could not move anywhere that His hand didn’t allow it to and as she walked, covered in His strength, she laughed at her future, undaunted by the path ahead.

Psalms 119:105 (NLT) “ Your word is a lamp to guide my feet and a light for my path”.

Isaiah 41:10 (NLT) “ Don’t be afraid, for I am with you. Don’t be discouraged, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will hold you up with my victorious right hand.”

Jeremiah 29:11 (NLT) ^”For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.”

1 Peter 5:7 (NLT) “ Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about you.”

Proverbs 31:25 (NLT) “She is clothed with strength and dignity, and she laughs without fear of the future.” Pin It

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Dollar Store Advent Calendar

This project started out as one of those cute mini-muffin tin advents you see on Pintrest.  Unfortunately, after making all my cute little number tags, I pulled out my mini-muffin tin, only to discover that it has only a dozen muffin cups –not the twenty-five that makes using a mini-muffin tin so perfect.   
Bummer.   
After searching for three stores, I discovered that the $10 dollar price tag for a new pan was a little over my budget, since I will be making two – one for each of my girls.   
Big Bummer. 
So, I did what I always do when I need to find a cheapo solution.  I hit the dollar store, hoping against hope that they had one.   
Nothing…Notta…Zilch…Humungous Bummer.   

But then I found these….

I know what your thinking.  They are the cutest little containers ever and yes, those are M&Ms on the label.  So, feeling inspired and now craving chocolate, I quickly loaded the cart with three packages and headed to the candy aisle for a little “shopping snack”. 

This is when it got a little crazy… 

I needed something to attach these cute little containers to, you know to keep them all together and organized.  So while popping M&Ms in mouth, I may or may not have lined these little babies up on EVERY flat tray or pan in the store.  Let me tell you there are very few things that will fit 24 of these exactly.   

Trust me, I know, and I have earned “The Crazy Dollar Store Lady” award to prove it.  But there was one pan (15”x12” tin cookie sheet ) and, low and behold, it came in a set of 2, which worked great for me.  Yippee! 

Now, I had a plan.  All I had to do was find 24 (x2) items to fit into my little containers.   

So, since I already had the crazy lady award, I took out a container and proceeded to try out EVERY little item in the store to see if they fit.  After a few hours I checked out and headed home excited to put together my little project.   

  Then, I decided maybe someone else might benefit from my craziness and I could save them from stealing my “award” and spending hours at the dollar store by giving a little tutorial.   

So here it is….

Take out your cutie-patootie containers and hot glue your number labels to them.  My number labels are 2 1/2 inch squares made from scrapbook paper.

 Next, line them up in your pan.  You should be able to fit four across and six down leaving a little tiny space to peel the lid of once they are glued down.

Now, if you have little, curious, Peekers, like me, you may want to tuck some tissue paper around the edges so that they can’t see through the clear plastic on the sides.  I simply cut a two-inch strip which I folded in half long-ways. I tucked and scrunched down the sides, using a butter knife, and gluing in place to create a sort of ruffle effect.

 

As you can see, you will have a little space left at the bottom of the pan. I tucked a little more tissue paper there. That is where you will place the number 25 (the big one).  I made mine with the same scrapbook paper and placed it on a longer tag.

Now, squeal with delight, and relish in the fact that all those people who thought you had lost your noodle at the dollar store, DO NOT have one of these right now! Then, get ready to put on the finishing touches.
Grab some ribbon and cut about a 7-inch piece (don't measure, just act like you know what you're doing and cut it).  Then, hot glue that baby right on the back, smack in the middle like this...

Now turn it over and fill it with all those treats that you so carefully selected. Then hang it up and your done!!

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The Place Where I Layed Still

 I drive by it everyday. 

 

 The place at the end of the street where He so   

 sweetly spoke to me in the middle of it all.     

 It was summer, and the kids were free to play outside as long as they stayed on our small little street.  They had gotten off to an early start that morning and then Ella had come running in the door to say that Claire was hurt and she needed help.  Ed went out first.  I remember throwing some clothes on (I wasn’t even dressed yet), making a mental note of where I had unpacked the Band-Aids and then I started out the door and down the steps to check on her.  At the end of the street, I could see my Claire on the ground, laying still.  My walk became a run as I made my way passed the two houses to the end of the street.  It took forever and as I watched my baby lying there, all I could do was whisper “Jesus”.   A crowd of neighbors had starting gathering and as we approached, I knelt down on the pavement. She was very still, her brand new glasses lay crooked across her little face and her eyes were closed.  I reached down and placed my hand on her and said “Claire, Mommy and Daddy are here.” She opened her eyes, but she remained still, frozen in place, As I searched to try to understand all that had just happened, a lady began to explain.   

  She had seen it.  She didn’t know Claire- not like her father and I know her, but she had been watching her when she fell.

SHE had seen her riding a bike.

 I KNEW this “riding bikes thing” was new for her.  

SHE had seen her fall while trying to manage a turn on the bike.

 I KNEW she was trying a new bike (mine, in fact)-bigger than the one she had ridden before

SHE had seen her lying on the ground shocked at the fall. 

I KNOW my Claire is afraid of falling and she sometimes takes a moment to recover.

Concerned by her fall and slow recovery, the lady had informed her that she might have broken something and not to move.  I sat there unsure what to do as the situation became clear. 

Claire had fallen.

Someone who didn’t even know her—really know her - had seen her fall. 

They had said she was broken.

She believed them.

They had said she should not move.

So she stayed still.

In my heart, I knew she was not broken.  She was just bruised, but very afraid now.  I wanted to tell her to just get up and she would be okay.  I hesitated not wanting to appear like an unconcerned parent in front of all who stood around us. 

Then I watched as her Father reached down to her and said “Claire, where does it hurt?”

 It was her knees – they were clearly skinned up by the pavement –more than she had ever experienced, but not beyond what could be healed by a little cleaning up and ointment.

He reached down and gently sat her up, reassuring her that she was okay.

He dealt with those “who were concerned” which now included   

paramedics and He thanked them for their concern but let them know  

that He would take care of it.

Then He turned his attention to her. 

He carried her in His arms and gently, ever so gently, cleaned her   

wounds. 

He applied his oil and he bandaged them up.

He reassured her that she was NOT broken.

    That she could still ride the “big bike”.

    That He would help her with the turns,

    and if she fell again, 

    He would be there to help her up. 

She is smiling again now.   

She is riding too.

Unafraid and reassured that she will not hurt beyond what can be healed 

and that He will not let her lay there

                                          ...in that place

                                                       ...in that fear of being broken.

 "He is the healer of the brokenhearted. He is the one who bandages their wounds." 
                                                                                              Psalm 147:3 (God's Word)

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Cold Sweats, Prilosec, and Jesus...

I’ve been working on these decorations for our upcoming Women’s Conference…

 

There are things that I am able to do in ministry that come easy – they are things that I love to do because it’s part of my personality – I like to be creative, I like to make things look pretty, fix things up – those are all qualities that fit within the scope of my personality type.  It’s great to know your talents and use them for God but it’s even greater to be used of God beyond your own personality traits….

There are things that God has opened the door for me to do that I CANNOT DO.  They are things that are way beyond my comfort zone- things that reach beyond who I am as a person and the only way that I can do it is if He does it through me.  It’s a vulnerable place to be and one that I think the enemy keeps many Christians from entering because “That’s just not in my personality”.  

 The myth that God calls us to live within our own personality is just that –a myth, a lie from the enemy to keep us from understanding the full measure of what God can accomplish through us. 

When we became a Christian, we became a NEW person.

      "This means that anyone who belongs to Christ has become a new person. The old life is gone; a 

        new life has begun!" II Cor. 5:17

God called us to be LIKE JESUS.
      "So all of us who have had that veil removed can see and reflect the glory of the Lord. And the    

       Lord--who is the Spirit--makes us more and more like him as we are changed into his glorious 

       image." II Cor. 3:18

 He said we would do what HE did and more.  

       "I tell you the truth, anyone who believes in me will do the same works I have done, and even  

        greater works, because I am going to be with the Father."  John 14:12

      

To live like Jesus requires us to step out beyond who we are or who we ever thought we could be and trust Him to use us to accomplish His great work.  It’s not comfortable, it’s sometimes scary, and it’s definitely humbling, but the truth is that I have never experienced as much joy doing the things that I can do compared to the joy that comes when I do the things I know that I cannot do.   

 This is one of them….

Next week at this time I will be doing something that I CANNOT do.  I am a quiet, shy, private person by nature, but next week I will be speaking in front of 350 + women  along with four other speakers who are way more talented than me. I can't tell you how many times I have walked by this flyer posted in our church lobby or seen it posted on FB and broken out in a cold sweat.

 The first time I ever really spoke was in a women’s Sunday school class with about 40 ladies.  I was scared silly, but it was an experience I will never forget because I recognized that the Holy Spirit took over and did what I couldn’t do.  Ladies were touched and lives were changed that day.  It really had nothing to do with me and everything to do with Him – and I know that for sure, because I would have NEVER done it if I was just operating in the scope of my own personality and comfort zone.  I have come to have a strange kind of love for speaking. It still scares me to death every,,, single... time, but there is something about going beyond who you are and being a vessel for Him that is so very exciting and rewarding. 

What if I had said no teaching that day because I wasn’t comfortable doing it?   

Hmm… I don’t think I would be the same person now.  

 I learned a huge lesson that day:  I never say no to an opportunity to do something for God simply because I’m not capable of doing it on my own. 

This doesn’t mean that I don’t get nervous or scared sometimes (because that’s being human) and sometimes I live on Prilosec, and I pray A LOT, but life is so much more rewarding when we learn to live in His strength and not our own. 

That being said, I humbly request your prayers this week…. 

   

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